Struggling

I am trying to sort it out, but I cannot seem to unravel why I am struggling so much right now.

I am feeling physically hungry. It's late in the day...2pm, I should have had lunch at noon. So I made myself a really good salad and I weighed and measured everything. It has been sitting on my lap for more than 30 minutes and I am struggling to get up the who-knows-what to eat it. This is strange. My stomach is growling and I am so, so hungry...why can't I eat?

Here's all I can figure out...for the last few days, maybe a whole week, I have been letting lunch get later and later and later. I have also been denying myself food...not fancy food or delicious food, but healthy, good food like Wasa crackers and egg white salad. By the time 2pm (or 3pm) rolls around, I am so hungry that I don't eat wisely. I reach for too much food, or I reach for my comfort foods. I have peanut butter or more than one slice of bread, or a grilled cheese sandwich--or I go out to a favorite place and get a favorite food. Looks to me like sabotaging behavior, doesn't it?

I'm meeting with resistance because my level of commitment is trying to increase, eg Facebook Healthy Challenge, blogging about food and even more secret stuff, meditating every day, etc. I am also struggling because I always start to struggle after losing between 60 and 80 lbs. I'm not sure why I do that, but I am sure that it is a pattern as this is the third (maybe fourth) time in 10 years that I am down 60 lbs. and wanting to be satisfied with the great strides while also wanting to stop striding.

I weighed in today--despite really wanting to skip the weigh in--and I am up again. I am up 4 lbs. from the start of the challenge two weeks ago, and 7 lbs. from my lowest weight since the challenge started. Obviously exercise and eating right are big components of weight loss, but there is a component rarely discussed and that is the mental game.

Believe it or not, I found terrific analogies between the evil-Friday-hike-of-the-damned and where I am right now with my weight loss.

Let me break it down:

• trail = journey toward a healthy body
• gnats = voices in my head (millions it seems) swarming and trying to keep me down
• sunny spots on the path (where the gnats dare not go) = honesty about food and feelings, connecting with God through prayer and meditation
• falling on the trail = falling on the get healthy journey
• getting back up and continuing on = not giving up on the healthy journey. To me, this one is really important because what kept me hiking and moving was the fear that I would never get out of the mountains if I stopped. I also had the promise of a downhill car ride waiting at the end of the trail.
• bursting into tears = acknowledging that this is a really hard thing I'm trying to do.
• praying and swearing while praying = knowing that God is on the path with me and will love me even if I do (what I think are) unloveable things.
• Todd and Maggie = I am not on this path alone. I have people with me and these people (and doG) love me and check on me and my progress. And we need eachother. I help them (somehow) and they help me.
• imagining throwing myself to my death = imagining and or indulging in eating foods that harm my recovery and health. I had thoughts of suicide but I did not act on them. If I have "suicide thoughts" with the food I know what to do...observe that I am thinking about sabotaging my efforts, but don't act on those thoughts--take a contrary action like continue to hike but closer to the inside of the path.
  
• finishing the hike = the end of the hike was completely uphill. It was by far the most difficult because it was uphill, and because I was physically, emotionally and mentally spent. But with Todd's help and patience, with my unwillingness to let the mountain win, I made it to the top and drove away.

Ok, well, that helped. I don't feel like denying myself that salad anymore. And I don't feel like eating peanut butter any more either. Well, that's actually not true. I do feel like eating some peanut butter and chocolate chips, but I know now, that I won't do it. That's safer. This is where I want to be.