Friday morning I weighed in and I was down 2 lbs. I was so excited...that's slightly more than 6 lbs. in a week! So I was surprised to find resistance to writing my blog on Friday morning...why didn't I want to share my good news with you?
I had to figure this out and, as you may recall, one of my goals is to meditate daily. During my meditation I realized that I am worried about being successful. I have a super negative history with success. Often, when I would "shine" the person closest to me and with the most power would be threatened and I would get punished. So, I learned to stop being successful, and to be careful not to shine. It has always been a careful dance between my deep yearning to shine at something...dancing, writing, smiling, loving, and my fear of being in trouble, losing privileges, or enduring the wrath of the angry face and silent storm. I am very skilled at being good but not great. I am very adept at passive aggression--I did all your dishes and I cooked all the meals for your children this week, don't you feel like a failure? This behavior pattern somehow made sense when I was a teenager, but I am seeing it for what it really is today. That's not to say I'm not afraid to shine. I am. But it is to say that I can see that this fear is an illusion and the reality is I am meant to do something with my life and in some areas I am meant to sparkle. In some areas I dazzle.
Friday I dazzled on the scale. For the three weeks preceding last I worked hard at exercise and was careful with my food and the scale hovered around the exact same numbers. I was feeling demoralized and afraid the scale would never shift again, would never show how hard I've been working...so I started me a little Healthy Challenge to get motivated and surrounded by others who want to be healthier. And obviously it worked! And obviously a lot of the work happened during the month of holding steady. So I feel like celebrating my success (I don't really...I feel a little nervous still!)...I feel like taking the contrary action to hiding my success and really enjoy the drop of 6 full lbs. I feel like writing this down so the next time my weight holds steady I will remember that that's what my body does--drops weight over 6 - 8 weeks then holds for 2 to 3, drop, hold, drop hold. I have a pattern! I gotta remember!
So what is your pattern? What, if anything, stands in the way of your success?
Today I saw District 9 with Brandon. It was really wonderful. Then we saw GI Joe and it was really visually exciting. My good friend movie popcorn sat on my lap for 3 hours...first the full tub, then empty, then we refilled and emptied again. It sorta seems like I was trying to sabotage my success doesn't it? hmmmmm.
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