CPK

On Friday evening Todd & Clarke & I went to CPK for dinner. I was all set to have the BBQ Chicken Salad. I planned to be especially angelic by having the ranch dressing on the side.

CPK, like many restaurant chains, has added the calorie content to their menu items. The salad I planned to enjoy--and have eaten many times in a less than angelic fashion was 1268 calories. That's right. That doesn't include any bread with butter, a lemonade, a slice of pizza from Todd's plate. Nope, that's all salad. I was really disappointed.

So, I looked at the ingredients. I could ask for no tortilla strips. I could ask for no cheese. I could demand that they leave the delicious dressing in the kitchen. But the bottom line is that then I have no idea how many calories I'm consuming. Also, the salad won't be nearly as delicious, and knowing how my mind works, even though I was virtuous with the cheese and dressing and strips, my mind would tell me I'd eaten a 1300 calorie salad. So I had to find an alternative.

Everything on the menu, except the pizza, was well over 600 calories. The "cheapest" calorie-wise salad was 952 calories, and in my mind I thought, I wouldn't even enjoy a salad with fewer than 1000 calories so forget it! The pizza statistics were 172, 184, 212, 222 calories. And I was thinking, hmmm....I've heard that homemade and higher end pizzas have fewer calories than my favorite pan-style, extra cheese delivery place...but really? Only 200 calories? I was wondering how they could serve an entire 8 slice pizza--with all that crust--for so few calories. But before I had a chance to order and find out for myself, my sweet daughter observed that the calorie count was per slice. Bummer. I'm not quick in the math department, but I figure a full pizza (which I can EASILY eat) is about 1600 calories. That's even more than a salad! (that's funny because one would expect the salad to have fewer calories than the pizza...it's like irony or something.)

Anyway, I studied that menu from one end to the other. I considered having just an appetizer (for only 900 calories--a very calorically cheap spinach dip and tortilla chips). But, instead, I found a grilled vegetable sandwich on foccacia. It had cheese. The whole thing was about 600 calories and a side salad was 220 more. I ate only half of the sandwich as well as a slice of both Clarke's and Todd's pizzas (both excellent). So, for dinner on Friday I had about 1,000 calories.

My daily goal is around 1800. Lunch and breakfast were both around 300 calories and I had an apple or two and some string cheese. So, I probably ate within my calorie goals--but the mental disruption of knowing exactly how much I was consuming continued to consume me emotionally and mentally. My sense of rightness in the universe was severely damaged. The whole experience allowed me to label myself and my food choices "bad." And it isn't until today, Tuesday, that I can even see what happened.

My food on Saturday was good. We were out of town and went to breakfast where I ate healthfully. Then we went to Whole Foods and stocked up on fruit and water and healthy choices for dinner on Sunday. For dinner we had salad and pasta at Il Fornaio. The entire weekend my "crappy" food choices on Friday hung over me. I began to have more and more slips and squidgy edges. Yesterday I ate so badly (in my mind) that I was able to justify a medium ColdStone ice cream, which I ate alone in my office.

So I called a friend this morning and she said her food was lousy this weekend too. We decided to tell eachother what we had eaten. She told me hers and she was so ashamed and I was thinking...what's the big deal?! She then told me that she had been trying to avoid asking a parent for something that she dreaded asking for--so she used the food to assist her and prolong the eventual agony. I totally speak her language.

Then I recited my food from yesterday (Monday). Here it is:

B: 1 small nonfat yogurt (120 cals)
1/2 Zen bakery muffin (110 cals)
1/2 apple

L: Arby's medium roast beef sandwich with 1 bun removed
feeling terrible about eating the roast beef sandwich (which I have had two or three times this year, always to weight LOSS results because I'm careful) I had a large curly fries.
Then, feeling really bad about the fries AND the sandwich I decided to have a Twix bar. King size, please. I had 3 1/2 of the 4 sticks.

D: 1 cup spaghetti pasta
1 c. spaghetti sauce with 6 mini meatballs (200 calories)
1.5 slices french bread with butter & cheese (homemade garlic bread on a very low rise loaf of bread--similar to foccacia)
green salad with 2 tsp dressing

And since I'd already screwed up I decided to have the previously mentioned ColdStone. I topped that off with 1/2 of a Ritter Sport (200 calories).

So what's the total there? 2500, 3000 calories? It's a lot, but in my mind it was SO MUCH WORSE!

When I told my friend about my food, it occurred to me that I was really imagining how "bad" I was being. I was blowing it all out of proportion--probably in an effort to justify a few treats.

Let this be a cautionary tale (to myself!). When I think I'm eating badly (or good-ly) I need to keep a food journal. When I'm in the middle of what I think is a food disaster (or food wow) I can call someone to get some perspective...(huh? what?).

I can also put some time between what I ate and what I will eat next.

And I can always remember that each minute of my life I can start afresh if needed.