Realizations

The trip to Vegas is always so much fun. I love the totally relaxed-no one to worry about but me atmosphere of the trip.

This year we stayed at the super plush Encore with beds like warm, fluffy clouds and remote controls on the bedside table to control the curtains, sheers, lights, privacy indicator on the door, TV and radio. That, by the way, is what I have been talking about.

One of the things that Mormons do in Vegas is eat. I have two favorite spots, one is The Buffet at the Wynn and the other is Postrio (Wolfgang Puck) at the Venetian. While having our late lunch we got to talking about food. One of my friends said she feels protective around food, meaning that she doesn't want to share it, and if it's delicious she will order more to be sure that she gets enough of it.

Thinking about this I realize that I don't usually approach food this way. When I go out to McDonald's or food of equal caliber, I tend to not want to share and I like to over-order. But when I go out to a place where I know the quality is superior and the dishes creative, I like to share and get little tastes of everything. I feel like I'm doing delicious research. I feel like my findings should be shared so that our whole group is edified, and I feel sad when I don't have anyone to share these foods with.

I have no idea what this means!

However, as I was processing this information over the next day or so it occurred to me that I am all-or-nothing with my food, just as I am all-or-nothing with my play, work, relationships...I am shocked by my black or white nature and my lack of resilience when it comes to rules for myself (I tend to be very accommodating of most others, but intolerant of myself.) As the caboose to this thought I realized that if I made sure that my day was balanced between work and play, delicious and nutritious, rest and activity, that I would be less likely to get burned out.

Of course, I feel almost retarded for just now seeing this. I believe my sponsor, therapist and friends have been trying to tell me this for quite some time!

Here's a specific: I was rock solid boot camp and perfect eating girl for about 9 months. Nine months seems to be the outer edge of my ability to be perfect (I lasted 9 months without diet coke, but 2 years without sugar...strange tangent, sorry). Now, I've been about 6 months with zero interest in boot camp and eating right. I've been "recovering," or swinging back into balance if I couch this in terms of my realization. What if I did a little swing toward to perfection and a little swing towards progress every day? For example: what if I ate nutritious and delicious food and planned a treat into my calories every day, or even every meal? What if I exercised every day and planned some down time with television and/or a book (or Pet Society -- THE SHAME!) each day? It almost makes sense, right?

I've been processing the realization that I tend to take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. The net is progress of 1 step, but I feel so bad about myself for being "inconsistent." Would it be possible to keep myself rigidly "good" (oh, how I hate that label) and confidently relaxed on a daily basis...taking my two steps and one step on a daily basis rather than making an annual cycle? The biggest benefit I see is the opportunity to embrace the notion of balance, to see myself as making daily progress, and to hold a heart full of forgiveness and acceptance rather than judgment and negativity.

Oh my!

Am I brave enough? Are you? How do you do it?