Today, the last Saturday before school starts again and I have to leave the days of summer behind, I decided to clean out and organize my dresser drawers.
I have kept too small clothes and underclothes that were in good shape in boxes under my bed or at the top of my closet for the last three plus years. Today I swapped out a lot of my larger clothes for these smaller sizes and I had a few revelations. First, the undershirts I've been wearing are a full four inches bigger than the smaller ones that have become more comfortable. That's a big difference, and I liked seeing it! The second discovery is that my drawers can hold more clothes now because the smaller size clothes take up less room. This is the best discovery of all. Last Christmas I kept thinking, why does it seem like I don't have any clothes to wear when my drawers are so full they won't even close? It turns out the clothes I wore last Christmas were the clothes of a person 70 lbs. heaver than the person I am today. And more fabric was needed to cover that person. So, in the space I now have 12 shirts, only 7 shirts used to fit. This is a great discovery indeed!
Yesterday I weighed in and did the ELG body composition analysis (idk what ELG stands for). The results were truly awesome. Not only did I lose 9 lbs last week (the weight gain of the prior weekend seems to be all water from my muscles holding on during the hike), I hit a new low. I haven't weighed this amount since mid 2006. I am down 69 lbs. from January 6, 2009. And I like that a lot!
The ELG reveals my percent body fat, my lean mass in pounds and my fat mass in pounds. It reflects my waist to hip ratio and all sorts of other facts. Don't think I didn't make a graph in excel to document visually my radical changes. Because I sure did!
Thanks for being part of this journey. I know that I could not do it without the help, love and support of friends and professionals who care about me.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Victories
Have you ever noticed that treating a child kindly tends to have better results than being unkind? At the supermarket I make a point of smiling, making eye contact and saying hello to the checker. At the restaurant I am nice to the waitstaff. When I go to the post office--no matter how long the line was--I am friendly to the clerk.
Let's turn it around. Let's say I walk through my life being annoyed, displeased and smug. Let's say I make sure the child knows that I think s/he's an idiot...that the checker at the market is beneath me, the waitstaff are not taking good enough care of me and the postal worker is a waste of my time. There are plenty of people who live like this--you know some of them, you might even be some of them (I am sometimes!). But what's the point?
Kindness is reciprocal. Even if there's no immediate payback, there is always a payback--it's karmic.
My cat must want to be fed because he's just put his body on the keyboard...
Ok, my point is this: I am almost always kind when I'm out in the world. But I tend to be super critical and unkind to myself. I am quick to find my faults and I practically bathe in the waters of reproach. I am almost eager to call myself an idiot and smack my palm to my forehead.
So here's how I combat that behavior. Many nights as I assess my day, I make myself a victory list. This helps me stay in the positive, kind frame of mind that it so helpful to sustaining forward momentum. And it totally contradicts the tendency to diminish my hard work or treat myself badly for still being some sort of a failure (aka, still being on the path instead of at the destination)...
Here's some victories last week--especially as they correspond to my get healthy goals:
Goal - Boot camp 5x, plus 1 hour extra cardio
Victory - Boot camp 4x plus 8 hours extra cardio and 2 yoga sessions
Goal - Eat according to nutritionist's food plan
Victory - periodically read nutritionist's food plan, had several salads
Goal - Meditate daily
Victory - Meditated 3x
Other victories: wrote in journal several times, wrote blog, talked honestly with friends, went to the beach, didn't eat sherbet at the party, did laundry, felt my feelings, prepared Sunday School lesson, watched Netflix movies, work related email...you know, stuff like that.
If you don't already do it, try a victory list. Give yourself a pat on the back. Treat yourself at least as kindly as you treat the lady at the DMV.
Let's turn it around. Let's say I walk through my life being annoyed, displeased and smug. Let's say I make sure the child knows that I think s/he's an idiot...that the checker at the market is beneath me, the waitstaff are not taking good enough care of me and the postal worker is a waste of my time. There are plenty of people who live like this--you know some of them, you might even be some of them (I am sometimes!). But what's the point?
Kindness is reciprocal. Even if there's no immediate payback, there is always a payback--it's karmic.
My cat must want to be fed because he's just put his body on the keyboard...
Ok, my point is this: I am almost always kind when I'm out in the world. But I tend to be super critical and unkind to myself. I am quick to find my faults and I practically bathe in the waters of reproach. I am almost eager to call myself an idiot and smack my palm to my forehead.
So here's how I combat that behavior. Many nights as I assess my day, I make myself a victory list. This helps me stay in the positive, kind frame of mind that it so helpful to sustaining forward momentum. And it totally contradicts the tendency to diminish my hard work or treat myself badly for still being some sort of a failure (aka, still being on the path instead of at the destination)...
Here's some victories last week--especially as they correspond to my get healthy goals:
Goal - Boot camp 5x, plus 1 hour extra cardio
Victory - Boot camp 4x plus 8 hours extra cardio and 2 yoga sessions
Goal - Eat according to nutritionist's food plan
Victory - periodically read nutritionist's food plan, had several salads
Goal - Meditate daily
Victory - Meditated 3x
Other victories: wrote in journal several times, wrote blog, talked honestly with friends, went to the beach, didn't eat sherbet at the party, did laundry, felt my feelings, prepared Sunday School lesson, watched Netflix movies, work related email...you know, stuff like that.
If you don't already do it, try a victory list. Give yourself a pat on the back. Treat yourself at least as kindly as you treat the lady at the DMV.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Struggling
I am trying to sort it out, but I cannot seem to unravel why I am struggling so much right now.
I am feeling physically hungry. It's late in the day...2pm, I should have had lunch at noon. So I made myself a really good salad and I weighed and measured everything. It has been sitting on my lap for more than 30 minutes and I am struggling to get up the who-knows-what to eat it. This is strange. My stomach is growling and I am so, so hungry...why can't I eat?
Here's all I can figure out...for the last few days, maybe a whole week, I have been letting lunch get later and later and later. I have also been denying myself food...not fancy food or delicious food, but healthy, good food like Wasa crackers and egg white salad. By the time 2pm (or 3pm) rolls around, I am so hungry that I don't eat wisely. I reach for too much food, or I reach for my comfort foods. I have peanut butter or more than one slice of bread, or a grilled cheese sandwich--or I go out to a favorite place and get a favorite food. Looks to me like sabotaging behavior, doesn't it?
I'm meeting with resistance because my level of commitment is trying to increase, eg Facebook Healthy Challenge, blogging about food and even more secret stuff, meditating every day, etc. I am also struggling because I always start to struggle after losing between 60 and 80 lbs. I'm not sure why I do that, but I am sure that it is a pattern as this is the third (maybe fourth) time in 10 years that I am down 60 lbs. and wanting to be satisfied with the great strides while also wanting to stop striding.
I weighed in today--despite really wanting to skip the weigh in--and I am up again. I am up 4 lbs. from the start of the challenge two weeks ago, and 7 lbs. from my lowest weight since the challenge started. Obviously exercise and eating right are big components of weight loss, but there is a component rarely discussed and that is the mental game.
Believe it or not, I found terrific analogies between the evil-Friday-hike-of-the-damned and where I am right now with my weight loss.
Let me break it down:
Ok, well, that helped. I don't feel like denying myself that salad anymore. And I don't feel like eating peanut butter any more either. Well, that's actually not true. I do feel like eating some peanut butter and chocolate chips, but I know now, that I won't do it. That's safer. This is where I want to be.
I am feeling physically hungry. It's late in the day...2pm, I should have had lunch at noon. So I made myself a really good salad and I weighed and measured everything. It has been sitting on my lap for more than 30 minutes and I am struggling to get up the who-knows-what to eat it. This is strange. My stomach is growling and I am so, so hungry...why can't I eat?
Here's all I can figure out...for the last few days, maybe a whole week, I have been letting lunch get later and later and later. I have also been denying myself food...not fancy food or delicious food, but healthy, good food like Wasa crackers and egg white salad. By the time 2pm (or 3pm) rolls around, I am so hungry that I don't eat wisely. I reach for too much food, or I reach for my comfort foods. I have peanut butter or more than one slice of bread, or a grilled cheese sandwich--or I go out to a favorite place and get a favorite food. Looks to me like sabotaging behavior, doesn't it?
I'm meeting with resistance because my level of commitment is trying to increase, eg Facebook Healthy Challenge, blogging about food and even more secret stuff, meditating every day, etc. I am also struggling because I always start to struggle after losing between 60 and 80 lbs. I'm not sure why I do that, but I am sure that it is a pattern as this is the third (maybe fourth) time in 10 years that I am down 60 lbs. and wanting to be satisfied with the great strides while also wanting to stop striding.
I weighed in today--despite really wanting to skip the weigh in--and I am up again. I am up 4 lbs. from the start of the challenge two weeks ago, and 7 lbs. from my lowest weight since the challenge started. Obviously exercise and eating right are big components of weight loss, but there is a component rarely discussed and that is the mental game.
Believe it or not, I found terrific analogies between the evil-Friday-hike-of-the-damned and where I am right now with my weight loss.
Let me break it down:
- trail = journey toward a healthy body
- gnats = voices in my head (millions it seems) swarming and trying to keep me down
- sunny spots on the path (where the gnats dare not go) = honesty about food and feelings, connecting with God through prayer and meditation
- falling on the trail = falling on the get healthy journey
- getting back up and continuing on = not giving up on the healthy journey. To me, this one is really important because what kept me hiking and moving was the fear that I would never get out of the mountains if I stopped. I also had the promise of a downhill car ride waiting at the end of the trail.
- bursting into tears = acknowledging that this is a really hard thing I'm trying to do.
- praying and swearing while praying = knowing that God is on the path with me and will love me even if I do (what I think are) unloveable things.
- Todd and Maggie = I am not on this path alone. I have people with me and these people (and doG) love me and check on me and my progress. And we need eachother. I help them (somehow) and they help me.
- imagining throwing myself to my death = imagining and or indulging in eating foods that harm my recovery and health. I had thoughts of suicide but I did not act on them. If I have "suicide thoughts" with the food I know what to do...observe that I am thinking about sabotaging my efforts, but don't act on those thoughts--take a contrary action like continue to hike but closer to the inside of the path.
- finishing the hike = the end of the hike was completely uphill. It was by far the most difficult because it was uphill, and because I was physically, emotionally and mentally spent. But with Todd's help and patience, with my unwillingness to let the mountain win, I made it to the top and drove away.
Ok, well, that helped. I don't feel like denying myself that salad anymore. And I don't feel like eating peanut butter any more either. Well, that's actually not true. I do feel like eating some peanut butter and chocolate chips, but I know now, that I won't do it. That's safer. This is where I want to be.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
The Hike; The Voices
Friday I went on a hike with my husband and my dog. It was an 8.1 mile hike from Switzer to Gould in the Angeles Crest mountains. I have made one previous hike of this length and it took me ten hours to complete. In Todd's words, my love for him caused me to overestimate my skill level and agree to this hike. Let me just say that by the middle of my hike there was no love for him left (some has returned as of this writing).
Furthermore, I need to say that Todd and Maggie (the dog) usually make this hike in 2.5 hours. I assumed it would take me 4 hours at my current skill and weight. I am stunned, after living through it and completing the hike without being air-lifted out, that I completed it in 5.5 hours.
The first two miles of the hike were filled with thoughts of how strong I was feeling and how I'd even made the first hill with such grace and stamina that surely there'd be no difficulty finishing this hike by noon. Sure, there were more "helicopter" gnats than I knew existed, but they didn't stray to the sunny parts of the path. Sure, in the shade with the gnats there were large stands of poison oak, but it was beautiful in it's malevolence and easy to spot with it's gorgeous turning-red leaves. Sure, the terrain was shifting from smooth, round river rocks to sandy, to scrabble with leaves and teeny rocks that slip when you step on them, narrow to narrower, spiky rocks that threaten to take your foot off your ankle, but I was confident.
Todd said we were at the quarter of the way mark and asked if I'd like to turn around. Huh? What? I am confident, serene and haven't wobbled or fallen once. Sure, my foot hurts from where I stepped in the sprinkler well and fell on Tuesday, but I'm fit and healthy and strong. "I'm in, let's keep going," I say. Todd & Maggie stay about 5 yards ahead of me on the trail. I am swatting gnats, killing them with my eyelashes as they dive into my eyes, breathing them in through my mouth and nose and for many times I am holding my hands over my ears as I hike so that I can drown out their buzzing and protect myself from the possibility of them moving into my ear orifices also. As I swat the gnats I close my eyes. Closing my eyes causes me to stumble on the sharp rocks, so I open my eyes just in time to try to right myself before I fall into the poison oak. At about mile 3 I am swearing. I am trying not to swear loudly because I don't want to harsh Todd's mellow...he loves to hike. I start to agree with him that I am doing this for love...I'm trying to believe that I love him so much that I imagined that I also love to hike. By mile 4 I am praying to God with all earnestness that He will PLEASE kill the gnats, make them go away or teach me what to do to make them leave me alone. I am walking with my hands over my ears and one eye closing at a time. I say, in my prayer, "please kill these damn gnats." I've never sworn in a prayer before--which will probably surprise some of you because of the vitriol that spews out of my mouth when I get going...but I have never sworn at God before...especially about HIS creatures.
I trip over a rock, have to move my hands from my ears to brace my fall and I go down. I've twisted my left ankle. I've said the queen mother of all swear words...I'm in the middle of this gorgeous environment and all I can see is the stinking path, the poisonous obstacles and the "black death" cloud of gnats. My humor and confidence are gone. The voices begin.
The voices.
Here's a little sample, "Todd likes this? How on earth could he like this?" "What were you thinking coming on this hike?" "Your center of gravity is way off because you are still 100 lbs. overweight!" "How come you have such a distorted sense of your own strength--you can't
even do 6-count military push-ups at boot camp." "You really are a failure because you don't see yourself as you really are. You THINK you can do these things, but you are not healthy enough, you don't have any business being on this mountain." "Do not let Todd see how
frustrated you are, you need to keep a positive attitude so he doesn't regret bringing you along." "Why is Todd encouraging me to drink water? Even though my throat is dry and parched, I'm sure I can last a little longer without the water." "I think I am a little thirsty." "I think I might need to go pee." "I don't even know what my bodily needs are...I am SO out of touch with myself. Do I need to go pee? Do I need some water?" "It isn't fair to be a girl and need to pee and be hiking. It will get all over me because I'm too unfit to aim and squat deep enough..." "Why am I covered in sweat? What is wrong with my body that I can't handle this and Todd can?" "It's okay that you're not as strong as Todd. He weighs at least 80 lbs less than you. Imagine that you are carrying two five year-olds in addition to hiking. Could Todd do that?"
And that last little bit is what I need to talk about. The voices in my head, despite what I shared above, are getting much, much nicer. They remind me that I have physical limitations like weighing more than others, that prevent me from enjoying a full life. They suggest that for my limited skills, I am being successful. They remind me that I am obligated to get better so that I can spread the word and the joy of healing that comes from working (with God's help) really hard. They sound so compassionate. "Give yourself a break, you're doing your best." But there is something cruel behind the encouragement they're trying to give me. Here's what's really there: "Give yourself a break, you're doing your best, LOSER." "It's YOUR FAULT you're like this! Live with the consequences!"
At one point along the hike Todd said, "I'm going to run ahead to the river so Maggie can cool off." Maggie, is a small black lab. So she's hiking with a black fur coat on and she's not got the fantastic evaporative cooling system of skin that Todd & I have, so she needs to periodically sit in the river/stream and drink and revive. We're on a fairly steep downhill descent when he tells me he's going ahead. No problem. He stops and turns around and gives me a black referee's whistle, "just in case." I take the whistle and I say, "what about you?" and he says, "I'll be fine." It's true, I think. He'll be fine and I'll die. The fight to not think or say, "I give up, this is awful, I can't do it" has been lost. I begin indulging in the failure thoughts as though I am at an ice-cream sundae buffet. Mmmmm....a little self-pity is sooooo delicious, let's see what MORE self-pity tastes like...mmmmmm, ooooohhh, so delicious.
I begin to compare this hike to the Bataan Death March. To this, one of "the helpful voices" says "oh, drama much? like what you're doing now is anything like that tragic moment in our history!" Then a really frightened and frustrated voice says, "at least they were marching to their death." And then, "maybe the lucky ones were the ones like me who couldn't make it and just died along the way. That would have been more merciful than completing the march." Then I delve into some truly awful thoughts of how I might fall off the cliff and just die and that would be easier (I will spare you the details).
By the time I find Todd and Maggie at the bottom of the hill, they are relaxing and enjoying the stream. I burst into deep, hacking, sobbing tears. And I could not stop. And so I kept trying to hike. God bless Todd for not making a big deal about it. He asks me what I'm thinking. I say, "that we're not even half way through" and he is silent. So, I now know for sure that we are not even halfway through.
*****This is probably a good time for you to go get a beverage and take a potty break.*****
When I began crying I was totally and completely stunned at the outburst of emotion. Where had that come from? I didn't even know I was feeling sad. Why am I crying? "What am I feeling?" I have no idea. I'm probably just tired, I think.
Saturday morning as I meditated I realized something really important. I started crying because I was being tortured by "the voices." More importantly, I realize that the voices are being much, much kinder. They seem more understanding and compassionate. But I am smart and I am suspicious and it occurred to me that despite the kindness and superficial compassion, there is a great deal of cruelty. It seems that as I am practicing good self-care--eating right, exercising, meditating, etc,--the voices have become suspicious that I am changing and they seem to fear that they are becoming obsolete. They fear that I'm trying to get rid of them; so they have changed their tactics and are trying to talk more sweetly. They are saying the exact same things in a much, much nicer way. I have a pattern with this. My step-mother did this to me too. She was so beautiful physically, and so careful to always look good for others, that we were all sucked into her beauty and then blindsided by the reality of her anger and hate. Not surprisingly then, the discovery of this shift in the way the voices are talking to me brought up a lot of memories about the physical abuse I endured as a child. I have been keeping the abuse a secret even from me. I was repeatedly told never to mention any of what was happening. In fact, if I was suspected of telling even the smallest tidbit of what was going on in my home, I would get into trouble. When I have been brave enough to say, "I was beaten and hated" aloud, the protective voice is always VERY quick to say, "you're exaggerating and being dramatic. It wasn't bad."
I have been telling myself, "you're exaggerating" and "it wasn't that bad" and "you deserved it" for so long that I don't know the truth anymore. But I do know why the cruelest voice started. She is was designed to protect me. She took on the job of hurting me before someone else does. She learned that being successful would get me into trouble...there was only one star on our family's set. My job was not supporting actress, it was catering and cleaning...and when the director or other actors noticed the good work I was doing behind the scenes the Diva lost her mind and did all she could to shove me out of sight. So, I learned some ways of protecting myself. I thought that it would be safer to weigh a lot--it's harder to shove an elephant around. And I learned that extreme obesity got me attention too--in an extremely passive aggressive way--so it served a double purpose of shifting the light to the sidelines and revealing that everything under the big top was not roses and butterflies. The price I pay for this "protection" is a habit of sabotaging my success. It is also deluded. My protector actually believed that there was something she could do to protect me from getting beaten..."Don't do that!" "Do that!" "Quick!" But she was wrong. For the love of God, breathing in and out would get me beaten. Little Kristen--the one who was picked up and thrown against a wall the first time she met the Diva (at < 2 years old) --is scared to death of being whom she is meant to be. She is scared that her success threatens you and that you will withdraw from, hate, or hurt her. So she is hurting herself preemptively. And what happens is that she gets hurt no matter what.
I am horrified, stunned, and extremely grateful to discover how the voices have shifted. The other day I actually thought, "Oh! I don't even have self-hate any more. I'm really getting enlightened and I can't believe how easy it was to get those mean voices to quiet down!" I cannot stress enough my completely stunned feeling as I realized how my self-hate voices metamorphosed into something I would be willing to listen to. It's as though they put on some lipstick and a prettier dress, so I'd be less likely to see the ugliness.
It's time to thank the "protector" for her service, and let her go. The protector is not my friend.
**********
And so, I need to say that I finished an 8.1 mile hike on Friday. I used every muscle in my body, and every "muscle" in my mind to fight the physical and mental battle of getting on and off that mountain. I did it! I was incredibly successful, and I paid the price in sweat and pain. The mountain beat me up...but I kicked back, and I won. I don't ever have to go on that hike again. But I did it.
I did it!
Furthermore, I need to say that Todd and Maggie (the dog) usually make this hike in 2.5 hours. I assumed it would take me 4 hours at my current skill and weight. I am stunned, after living through it and completing the hike without being air-lifted out, that I completed it in 5.5 hours.
The first two miles of the hike were filled with thoughts of how strong I was feeling and how I'd even made the first hill with such grace and stamina that surely there'd be no difficulty finishing this hike by noon. Sure, there were more "helicopter" gnats than I knew existed, but they didn't stray to the sunny parts of the path. Sure, in the shade with the gnats there were large stands of poison oak, but it was beautiful in it's malevolence and easy to spot with it's gorgeous turning-red leaves. Sure, the terrain was shifting from smooth, round river rocks to sandy, to scrabble with leaves and teeny rocks that slip when you step on them, narrow to narrower, spiky rocks that threaten to take your foot off your ankle, but I was confident.
Todd said we were at the quarter of the way mark and asked if I'd like to turn around. Huh? What? I am confident, serene and haven't wobbled or fallen once. Sure, my foot hurts from where I stepped in the sprinkler well and fell on Tuesday, but I'm fit and healthy and strong. "I'm in, let's keep going," I say. Todd & Maggie stay about 5 yards ahead of me on the trail. I am swatting gnats, killing them with my eyelashes as they dive into my eyes, breathing them in through my mouth and nose and for many times I am holding my hands over my ears as I hike so that I can drown out their buzzing and protect myself from the possibility of them moving into my ear orifices also. As I swat the gnats I close my eyes. Closing my eyes causes me to stumble on the sharp rocks, so I open my eyes just in time to try to right myself before I fall into the poison oak. At about mile 3 I am swearing. I am trying not to swear loudly because I don't want to harsh Todd's mellow...he loves to hike. I start to agree with him that I am doing this for love...I'm trying to believe that I love him so much that I imagined that I also love to hike. By mile 4 I am praying to God with all earnestness that He will PLEASE kill the gnats, make them go away or teach me what to do to make them leave me alone. I am walking with my hands over my ears and one eye closing at a time. I say, in my prayer, "please kill these damn gnats." I've never sworn in a prayer before--which will probably surprise some of you because of the vitriol that spews out of my mouth when I get going...but I have never sworn at God before...especially about HIS creatures.
I trip over a rock, have to move my hands from my ears to brace my fall and I go down. I've twisted my left ankle. I've said the queen mother of all swear words...I'm in the middle of this gorgeous environment and all I can see is the stinking path, the poisonous obstacles and the "black death" cloud of gnats. My humor and confidence are gone. The voices begin.
The voices.
Here's a little sample, "Todd likes this? How on earth could he like this?" "What were you thinking coming on this hike?" "Your center of gravity is way off because you are still 100 lbs. overweight!" "How come you have such a distorted sense of your own strength--you can't
even do 6-count military push-ups at boot camp." "You really are a failure because you don't see yourself as you really are. You THINK you can do these things, but you are not healthy enough, you don't have any business being on this mountain." "Do not let Todd see how
frustrated you are, you need to keep a positive attitude so he doesn't regret bringing you along." "Why is Todd encouraging me to drink water? Even though my throat is dry and parched, I'm sure I can last a little longer without the water." "I think I am a little thirsty." "I think I might need to go pee." "I don't even know what my bodily needs are...I am SO out of touch with myself. Do I need to go pee? Do I need some water?" "It isn't fair to be a girl and need to pee and be hiking. It will get all over me because I'm too unfit to aim and squat deep enough..." "Why am I covered in sweat? What is wrong with my body that I can't handle this and Todd can?" "It's okay that you're not as strong as Todd. He weighs at least 80 lbs less than you. Imagine that you are carrying two five year-olds in addition to hiking. Could Todd do that?"
And that last little bit is what I need to talk about. The voices in my head, despite what I shared above, are getting much, much nicer. They remind me that I have physical limitations like weighing more than others, that prevent me from enjoying a full life. They suggest that for my limited skills, I am being successful. They remind me that I am obligated to get better so that I can spread the word and the joy of healing that comes from working (with God's help) really hard. They sound so compassionate. "Give yourself a break, you're doing your best." But there is something cruel behind the encouragement they're trying to give me. Here's what's really there: "Give yourself a break, you're doing your best, LOSER." "It's YOUR FAULT you're like this! Live with the consequences!"
At one point along the hike Todd said, "I'm going to run ahead to the river so Maggie can cool off." Maggie, is a small black lab. So she's hiking with a black fur coat on and she's not got the fantastic evaporative cooling system of skin that Todd & I have, so she needs to periodically sit in the river/stream and drink and revive. We're on a fairly steep downhill descent when he tells me he's going ahead. No problem. He stops and turns around and gives me a black referee's whistle, "just in case." I take the whistle and I say, "what about you?" and he says, "I'll be fine." It's true, I think. He'll be fine and I'll die. The fight to not think or say, "I give up, this is awful, I can't do it" has been lost. I begin indulging in the failure thoughts as though I am at an ice-cream sundae buffet. Mmmmm....a little self-pity is sooooo delicious, let's see what MORE self-pity tastes like...mmmmmm, ooooohhh, so delicious.
I begin to compare this hike to the Bataan Death March. To this, one of "the helpful voices" says "oh, drama much? like what you're doing now is anything like that tragic moment in our history!" Then a really frightened and frustrated voice says, "at least they were marching to their death." And then, "maybe the lucky ones were the ones like me who couldn't make it and just died along the way. That would have been more merciful than completing the march." Then I delve into some truly awful thoughts of how I might fall off the cliff and just die and that would be easier (I will spare you the details).
By the time I find Todd and Maggie at the bottom of the hill, they are relaxing and enjoying the stream. I burst into deep, hacking, sobbing tears. And I could not stop. And so I kept trying to hike. God bless Todd for not making a big deal about it. He asks me what I'm thinking. I say, "that we're not even half way through" and he is silent. So, I now know for sure that we are not even halfway through.
*****This is probably a good time for you to go get a beverage and take a potty break.*****
When I began crying I was totally and completely stunned at the outburst of emotion. Where had that come from? I didn't even know I was feeling sad. Why am I crying? "What am I feeling?" I have no idea. I'm probably just tired, I think.
Saturday morning as I meditated I realized something really important. I started crying because I was being tortured by "the voices." More importantly, I realize that the voices are being much, much kinder. They seem more understanding and compassionate. But I am smart and I am suspicious and it occurred to me that despite the kindness and superficial compassion, there is a great deal of cruelty. It seems that as I am practicing good self-care--eating right, exercising, meditating, etc,--the voices have become suspicious that I am changing and they seem to fear that they are becoming obsolete. They fear that I'm trying to get rid of them; so they have changed their tactics and are trying to talk more sweetly. They are saying the exact same things in a much, much nicer way. I have a pattern with this. My step-mother did this to me too. She was so beautiful physically, and so careful to always look good for others, that we were all sucked into her beauty and then blindsided by the reality of her anger and hate. Not surprisingly then, the discovery of this shift in the way the voices are talking to me brought up a lot of memories about the physical abuse I endured as a child. I have been keeping the abuse a secret even from me. I was repeatedly told never to mention any of what was happening. In fact, if I was suspected of telling even the smallest tidbit of what was going on in my home, I would get into trouble. When I have been brave enough to say, "I was beaten and hated" aloud, the protective voice is always VERY quick to say, "you're exaggerating and being dramatic. It wasn't bad."
I have been telling myself, "you're exaggerating" and "it wasn't that bad" and "you deserved it" for so long that I don't know the truth anymore. But I do know why the cruelest voice started. She is was designed to protect me. She took on the job of hurting me before someone else does. She learned that being successful would get me into trouble...there was only one star on our family's set. My job was not supporting actress, it was catering and cleaning...and when the director or other actors noticed the good work I was doing behind the scenes the Diva lost her mind and did all she could to shove me out of sight. So, I learned some ways of protecting myself. I thought that it would be safer to weigh a lot--it's harder to shove an elephant around. And I learned that extreme obesity got me attention too--in an extremely passive aggressive way--so it served a double purpose of shifting the light to the sidelines and revealing that everything under the big top was not roses and butterflies. The price I pay for this "protection" is a habit of sabotaging my success. It is also deluded. My protector actually believed that there was something she could do to protect me from getting beaten..."Don't do that!" "Do that!" "Quick!" But she was wrong. For the love of God, breathing in and out would get me beaten. Little Kristen--the one who was picked up and thrown against a wall the first time she met the Diva (at < 2 years old) --is scared to death of being whom she is meant to be. She is scared that her success threatens you and that you will withdraw from, hate, or hurt her. So she is hurting herself preemptively. And what happens is that she gets hurt no matter what.
I am horrified, stunned, and extremely grateful to discover how the voices have shifted. The other day I actually thought, "Oh! I don't even have self-hate any more. I'm really getting enlightened and I can't believe how easy it was to get those mean voices to quiet down!" I cannot stress enough my completely stunned feeling as I realized how my self-hate voices metamorphosed into something I would be willing to listen to. It's as though they put on some lipstick and a prettier dress, so I'd be less likely to see the ugliness.
It's time to thank the "protector" for her service, and let her go. The protector is not my friend.
**********
And so, I need to say that I finished an 8.1 mile hike on Friday. I used every muscle in my body, and every "muscle" in my mind to fight the physical and mental battle of getting on and off that mountain. I did it! I was incredibly successful, and I paid the price in sweat and pain. The mountain beat me up...but I kicked back, and I won. I don't ever have to go on that hike again. But I did it.
I did it!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Ten Steps to Loving Yourself by Louise Hay
A friend emailed me this today and I need to put it on my mirror. Thought you might enjoy it too...all simple, familiar stuff that I often forget to do. xoxo
1. Stop all Criticism - Criticism never changes a thing. Refuse to criticize yourself. Accept yourself exactly as you are. Everybody changes. When you criticize yourself, your changes are negative. When you approve of yourself your changes are positive.
2. Don't Scare Yourself - Stop terrorizing yourself with your thoughts. Find a mental image that gives you pleasure and immediately switch your thoughts to pleasant one's.
3. Be Gentle, Kind and Patient - treat yourself with patience, gentleness and kindness. Treat yourself as you would someone whom you loved.
4. Be Kind to Your Mind-Self - hatred is only hating your own thoughts. Gently change your thoughts to more loving ones.
5. Praise Yourself - Criticism breaks down the inner spirit. Praise builds it. Tell yourself how well you are doing with everything.
6. Support Yourself - Reach out to friends and allow them to help you. It is being strong to ask for help when you need it most.
7. Be Loving to Your Negatives - Acknowledge that you created them to fulfill a need. Now you are finding new positive ways to fulfill those needs. Release the old patterns.
8. Take Care of Your Body - Learn about nutrition. What does your body need to have the optimum energy and vitality? Learn about exercise. Cherish the temple you live in.
9. Mirror Work - Look into your eyes often. Express the growing sense of love you feel for yourself. Forgive yourself for all as you look into the mirror. Once a day say "I love you" at yourself in the mirror.
10. Do It Now - Don't wait till you get well, lose weight or get a new job. Begin now, do the best you can.
1. Stop all Criticism - Criticism never changes a thing. Refuse to criticize yourself. Accept yourself exactly as you are. Everybody changes. When you criticize yourself, your changes are negative. When you approve of yourself your changes are positive.
2. Don't Scare Yourself - Stop terrorizing yourself with your thoughts. Find a mental image that gives you pleasure and immediately switch your thoughts to pleasant one's.
3. Be Gentle, Kind and Patient - treat yourself with patience, gentleness and kindness. Treat yourself as you would someone whom you loved.
4. Be Kind to Your Mind-Self - hatred is only hating your own thoughts. Gently change your thoughts to more loving ones.
5. Praise Yourself - Criticism breaks down the inner spirit. Praise builds it. Tell yourself how well you are doing with everything.
6. Support Yourself - Reach out to friends and allow them to help you. It is being strong to ask for help when you need it most.
7. Be Loving to Your Negatives - Acknowledge that you created them to fulfill a need. Now you are finding new positive ways to fulfill those needs. Release the old patterns.
8. Take Care of Your Body - Learn about nutrition. What does your body need to have the optimum energy and vitality? Learn about exercise. Cherish the temple you live in.
9. Mirror Work - Look into your eyes often. Express the growing sense of love you feel for yourself. Forgive yourself for all as you look into the mirror. Once a day say "I love you" at yourself in the mirror.
10. Do It Now - Don't wait till you get well, lose weight or get a new job. Begin now, do the best you can.
44 days remaining
It's Day 11. Where are you with your goals?
The goals I CAN control are going beautifully. I added 2.5 extra hours of cardio this week (my goal is boot camp 5x + 1 extra hour of cardio/week) and I also added two yoga sessions this week. My food has been good, but real. Sometimes I don't feel like looking at, and certainly I don't feel like sharing what I'm eating. Perhaps it's the real days that are even more important to investigate.
Here's yesterday:
B: 2 cups lemon water (big surprise), 1 tub egg white salad (another shocker!), 1 cup cheerios, 1 cup mixed blueberries & strawberries, 1 pkg. splenda, 1/2+ cup 1% milk.
L: green salad (arugula, romaine) with 1/2 large bell pepper, and 1/2 small red onion. 1 tub egg white salad and left over tuna made with lite mayo, fuji apple, onion, celery and Bubbie's dill relish. I had this with a little light balsamic vinaigrette (about 2 T) and 3 light rye wasa crackers. I ate this on the sand at the beach with visions of mint Oreo cookies dancing right before my eyes as Lucy's kids blithely partook...and then they partook of delicious puffy, orangey, salty, not-at-all-organic Cheetos...oh, how I love Cheetos. I resisted those too. Somehow. And I went into the ocean. Which was Icelandic. So I went for a walk with Noah to the nearest pier. It was far. It took us an hour. On the walk I found two PERFECT sand dollars. Ok, one had been shot and the wound had festered, but it was intact aside from the bullet hole (in case you're wondering it was NOT a bullet hole...but it was festered and bullet-hole shaped...from a very tiny gun...anyway.) The other was slightly larger and perfect. It is exceedingly rare to find a whole sand dollar so I am taking it as a good sign. And Noah was a good walking partner. We even sprinted for a bit...it's like magic how awesome a day I had.
Dinner was 2/3rds of a Bay City Imports Godmother with the works. OMG I love Bay Cities and I go every time I need olive oil or am on the west side. It was after 4 and the line was longer than usual, then I overheard a very full-o-herself twenty-something talking about how Bay Cities had been on the Food Network and that's why it was so crowded...and I'm thinking, "it's always this crowded" and then she asks Nancy Newcomer if it was her first time and Nancy Newcomer says, "yes, I heard about this place on Food Network" and I'm like oh crap...Kristen McJudge-y was too harsh with full-o-herself twenty-something-and-loves-the-sound-of-her-own-voice. So, I was schooled.
Traffic on the 405 at 5pm was le poopoo so I ate a bit of my sammich and later when I was at my AIM group (Allied in Meditation--I made this group and this name up...let me know if you want to join, we're starting again in October or so)--we always have dinner so I had some of Carol's delicious shrimp salad and some tomato slices, a slice of the bread from Green Street (that's thick as a bike tire but WAY more delicious) and a third cup or so of raspberries.
So I'm eating what the nutritionist told me to eat and I'm enjoying eating it at various times and with friends. My other goal of meditating is happening very nicely. I haven't meditated today, but yesterday I made it to 14 minutes. The thing is I explored my three questions during meditation yesterday. The three questions are: Who am I? What do I want? and What is my purpose? I was taught to take one full breath on each question and then let it go. But yesterday I thought, man, I've been doing this for several months, how about I check in with myself and see what my answers are to these questions. Long story ... I found myself FINALLY having the courage to say, "I want to be thin." I have never allowed myself to want this. I even tried to think it twice this morning before it would come into the center of my attention and coalesce. And I think it is in part because I was raised in an environment where looks were everything--more than health, more than being a good person, more than moving responsibly into the role of adult. And there was terrible, evil, wicked, narcissistic vanity in my home. I wanted none of that. Truthfully, I wanted to be beautiful but under-tended Cinderella...a natural beauty. I guess some things, like a healthy body, are worth working toward and achieving.
So, there it is. A good day by every standard. I met my goals for the day, for the week and woo-freaking-hoo, I had a breakthrough as the result of my meditation.
How are YOU doing? Breakthroughs? Hard work happening? Discouraged? Amazed? What's stopping you? What's propelling you?
YOU deserve the best.
The goals I CAN control are going beautifully. I added 2.5 extra hours of cardio this week (my goal is boot camp 5x + 1 extra hour of cardio/week) and I also added two yoga sessions this week. My food has been good, but real. Sometimes I don't feel like looking at, and certainly I don't feel like sharing what I'm eating. Perhaps it's the real days that are even more important to investigate.
Here's yesterday:
B: 2 cups lemon water (big surprise), 1 tub egg white salad (another shocker!), 1 cup cheerios, 1 cup mixed blueberries & strawberries, 1 pkg. splenda, 1/2+ cup 1% milk.
L: green salad (arugula, romaine) with 1/2 large bell pepper, and 1/2 small red onion. 1 tub egg white salad and left over tuna made with lite mayo, fuji apple, onion, celery and Bubbie's dill relish. I had this with a little light balsamic vinaigrette (about 2 T) and 3 light rye wasa crackers. I ate this on the sand at the beach with visions of mint Oreo cookies dancing right before my eyes as Lucy's kids blithely partook...and then they partook of delicious puffy, orangey, salty, not-at-all-organic Cheetos...oh, how I love Cheetos. I resisted those too. Somehow. And I went into the ocean. Which was Icelandic. So I went for a walk with Noah to the nearest pier. It was far. It took us an hour. On the walk I found two PERFECT sand dollars. Ok, one had been shot and the wound had festered, but it was intact aside from the bullet hole (in case you're wondering it was NOT a bullet hole...but it was festered and bullet-hole shaped...from a very tiny gun...anyway.) The other was slightly larger and perfect. It is exceedingly rare to find a whole sand dollar so I am taking it as a good sign. And Noah was a good walking partner. We even sprinted for a bit...it's like magic how awesome a day I had.
Dinner was 2/3rds of a Bay City Imports Godmother with the works. OMG I love Bay Cities and I go every time I need olive oil or am on the west side. It was after 4 and the line was longer than usual, then I overheard a very full-o-herself twenty-something talking about how Bay Cities had been on the Food Network and that's why it was so crowded...and I'm thinking, "it's always this crowded" and then she asks Nancy Newcomer if it was her first time and Nancy Newcomer says, "yes, I heard about this place on Food Network" and I'm like oh crap...Kristen McJudge-y was too harsh with full-o-herself twenty-something-and-loves-the-sound-of-her-own-voice. So, I was schooled.
Traffic on the 405 at 5pm was le poopoo so I ate a bit of my sammich and later when I was at my AIM group (Allied in Meditation--I made this group and this name up...let me know if you want to join, we're starting again in October or so)--we always have dinner so I had some of Carol's delicious shrimp salad and some tomato slices, a slice of the bread from Green Street (that's thick as a bike tire but WAY more delicious) and a third cup or so of raspberries.
So I'm eating what the nutritionist told me to eat and I'm enjoying eating it at various times and with friends. My other goal of meditating is happening very nicely. I haven't meditated today, but yesterday I made it to 14 minutes. The thing is I explored my three questions during meditation yesterday. The three questions are: Who am I? What do I want? and What is my purpose? I was taught to take one full breath on each question and then let it go. But yesterday I thought, man, I've been doing this for several months, how about I check in with myself and see what my answers are to these questions. Long story ... I found myself FINALLY having the courage to say, "I want to be thin." I have never allowed myself to want this. I even tried to think it twice this morning before it would come into the center of my attention and coalesce. And I think it is in part because I was raised in an environment where looks were everything--more than health, more than being a good person, more than moving responsibly into the role of adult. And there was terrible, evil, wicked, narcissistic vanity in my home. I wanted none of that. Truthfully, I wanted to be beautiful but under-tended Cinderella...a natural beauty. I guess some things, like a healthy body, are worth working toward and achieving.
So, there it is. A good day by every standard. I met my goals for the day, for the week and woo-freaking-hoo, I had a breakthrough as the result of my meditation.
How are YOU doing? Breakthroughs? Hard work happening? Discouraged? Amazed? What's stopping you? What's propelling you?
YOU deserve the best.
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