Feelings

I'm feeling really sad today.

I'm feeling loss and grief.

...and gratitude.

Gratitude because it's been so difficult for me to identify feelings, to accept my feelings, and to move through them.  Today I have lots of tools in my toolbox including writing.  I used to have just one tool in my toolbox - eating.  Even before I was able to name the feeling, I was eating to soothe.  Today I am having the feeling.  I don't like it, and yet I like it much, much more than the ritual of eating | self-loathing | shame.

I am having dreams these days.  Not the night-time types of dreams, the "I dream of one day..." kind of dreams.  I am daring to hope for a future different from my life right now and I am a) afraid of the different and the new, b) paralyzed by the fear that it's already too late to make my career dreams come true and c) actively tearing down my confidence by reminding myself of where I'm inadequate.

Do I want to fail with glory or live a dun-colored life?

I actually need to decide.

I'm still sad, but I feel a little lighter.

What about you?  Where are you on your journey?