The Nest

I'm trying to live in the moment. However, on Friday my youngest child will turn 18. In June he graduates from high school, and in August or September he will move into the working or college phase of his life (TBD, and not by me).

I realized that this is bothering me. Not in the sense that I don't want him to grow up and experience the world, but in the sense that my time as a mother the way I've defined it so far, is ending. I will always be a mother, but I don't know how to do this next piece.

Here's how I've been dealing with it so far. Jason graduated from high school in 2006 and Clarke in 2008. I've been a mother to flying birdies for almost 4 years now. I rely on friends as examples of what to do with and for their adult children. I discuss it with a therapist. I discuss it with friends whose children are married and becoming parents themselves. I talk about it with friends whose children are still at home. I am sending care packages to Jason and Clarke all the time. I always wanted to be the kind of mom who sent letters and gifts in the mail, so this is really enjoyable for me. I am liking my husband more than I thought I would. I am thinking of "adopting" a family or two at church to sit by them and help with their children. I am trying really hard not to freak out.

The people who sit without children at church are old. I don't think of myself as old yet. Of course, as a Mormon, there are people far older than I who will be sitting with their children far longer than I, so the data are skewed. I really am young compared to the group of people whose children have all left the nest.

Todd is starting to freak out too, but in a different way. My take on it is that he and I are both runners. We run from problems as quickly as we can. His version of running is to sell the house, rent a smaller house or buy an RV and live in it, get rid of the dog and the cat and everything that ties us down. I am definitely not in favor of this. I thought I was, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like I want to keep my roots as deep as possible as the saplings go off to start their own forests.

These feelings have me pausing and crying periodically. I don't want to break down in front of Brandon or his siblings, because this is such an important and brave thing that they are doing. It is critical! Even I did it! This is where my faith is being tested, and I do trust God to take care of them, as He always has. I am not eating over these feelings today (or yesterday or Tuesday!), and that is my way of allowing God to take care of me too.