Friendship

I've been absent lately.

I've been absent from my blog.  I've been absent from my friends.  I'm absent with my family - or at least tardy, and I'm absent in my life.

There is always something to learn and I'll tell you I'm getting sick of that fact. I want to learn it all and be done.

Here's my recent-est discovery.  I take that approach (the learn-it-all-and-be-done) to far extremes in areas where it doesn't belong - specifically my friendships.

This morning an image came to me of books.  I treat my friends like books.  Now, you know that I LOVE books.  I will read just about everything.  I always read to at least chapter 3 before deciding if this book is for me or not.  And when I'm done I usually remember part of the plot and some of the details.  I usually remember that I loved that book or I hated that one. 

And then it all kind of falls out of my head.  I put the book on the shelf knowing that it will be there for me when I need it.  Some books I've purchased multiple copies of so that I can share with others and always have one at home just for me.  Some books I've loved so much that I buy extra copies to give as gifts.  I keep track of my books on goodreads.com.  I talk about my books with people.  And then there are long dry spells when I just can't read another book.  I'm actually in a space like that right now.  Both of my boys have given me things to read lately and I've only managed to plug through one of them.  I keep telling Brandon he needs to read my book recommendations before I read his...

I treat my friends like books.  I read them once and I really take the time to savor all that they are and then I put them on the shelf for when I want them or need them again. 

I'm feeling really grateful today that I have friends who tell me the truth.  What a priceless quality in a friend.  One friend recently helped shine a little light on this for me.  And, in all honesty, I've been trying to work on it with my therapist but we're so bogged down on the other stuff, that the care and maintenance of friendships doesn't come up - only the fires and drama and how-to-deal with the mess I've created.

Here are some tidbits that I want to remember:

1) Ask your friends about their lives.
2) Ask them about their children.
3) Share honestly when they ask you questions.
4) Don't assume that they are sick of you, just because you (Kristen) are sick of yourself.
5) When you think of your friends send them a text or a note so they know it.
6) Keep trying, you're making progress.

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The truth is

The truth is that I've gained all 75 lbs. back.  I lost 75 lbs. and I gained them all back. Again.  This is the third time I've lost around 80 lbs. and gained it all back.


This has me terribly ashamed.  I feel humiliated.

So, here it is -

1) My weight is none of my business, so let's keep it out of your realm of concerns too - unless I bring it to you, unless I ask for your advice, help, opinion.  (If you are reading this blog then I am asking for your help!)
2) Weight loss is hard when we're losing 5 lbs or 30 lbs.  There is something more sinister, more insurmountable when the amount to be shed is 130 or more.
3) If your stomach turns when you see my cottage cheesy wings/arms, then don't look.  I try to keep them covered, and thank Heavens I'm not the chorister.
4) If you're thinking about my weight, then there is something in your own life that you are trying to avoid looking at - that's my rule of thumb: when I'm obsessing over someone else's problem, and I do this a lot (!), then I'm actively avoiding improving my own life.

And maybe there will be more things to include on this list, but for now, I am feeling defensive, ashamed, humiliated and immoral.  I am feeling angry - furious even, because I've failed AGAIN!  How dumb am I?  Am I really incapable of being honest as it says in the Big Book?  This is the "incomprehensible demoralization" that they write about.

In my 12-step program we talk about overeating being a disease.  For the last 7 years I have resisted that label as being too dramatic.  But here is what I am realizing today, at the height of my bankruptcy with weight control.  Today I see that there is something different between me and people who are normal eaters.  That thing looks like this: normal eaters get full or get bored and leave the table or kitchen or plate.  They eat for fuel.  I am not a normal eater.  I get full, sometimes.  But if there is something delicious or comforting or, truthfully, in front of me, then I eat it.  Or I feel compelled to eat it.  My friend has something in her brain that tells her not to eat any more.  I do not.  (Fish don't have this either - fish will literally eat until they die).  Leftovers of non-broccoli?  I'll take care of that.  Feeling angry?  sad? tired? lonely?  Food will fix that.  Have a cold? the flu? hangnail? Food fixes that too.

There have been many mornings when I made the decision to have scrambled eggs and toast with butter and it was so good that I got up and made it again.  And then I got up and made it again.  And once I did it five times in a row.  Then it was lunch time.  I don't stop, I'm telling you, that it takes an act of desperation or God - or brutal self-talk to stop eating.  12-Step people call this a disease.  I think I need to be a 12-step person and call it a disease too.

Because if it is a disease, I know what medicine to take.  I can learn the symptoms of my disease.  I can learn to recognize remission vs. a "flare-up" vs. what is truly needed.  2 large snickers bars will not repair my flat tire.

I'll deal with the shame later.  That's a Kristen issue.  Today I'm going to deal with the food issue.  I know what to eat today, so I'm going to eat it.  And when my brain says, "that's not enough" and "you should have some cookies with that" I can recognize that my brain will ALWAYS say that, that sometimes, most times, it can't be trusted.  I need an outside source to tell me what to eat and when and to guarantee that it is enough for my physical needs.

That's where I am today.  God willing I'll eat what I planned to eat and it will be enough.

Boxers or Briefs?

Last Thursday, my birthday, was such a great day at school!  Here is my favorite story of the day:

Sometimes teachers release students from computer lab according to certain criteria, for example, "If your birthday is in February, you are released to go to lunch." or "If you rode your bike to school today, you may go to lunch."  On this particular day the teacher was having some fun and got a little caught up in the moment--she said, "If you have a ponytail, you may go to lunch," and then said, "If you're wearing boxers you may go to lunch."  Well, all of the girls in the room were stricken!  You would have loved the looks on their faces...some were positively aghast!  I was also feigning disgust and whining about TMI!  But it was hilarious!  What was interesting was that a dozen or so boys made a beeline for the door, but three remained behind.  The teacher realized that her criteria might have been just slightly across the line, so she said, "If you're a boy or a girl, you may go."  There was general chuckling as the students filed out.

One boy, a tender child who, when he was in second grade, once saw me crying and gave me a big hug.  And then in third grade said he would say a prayer for me (probably asking God to make me less of an ogre!), well, this boy comes up, puts his elbows on my desk, his chin on his palms, leans in and whispers, "I'm not even wearing underwear today."

What a birthday!

Best Birthday!

Clarke made me a cake.  It bears repeating: Clarke baked me a cake for my birthday.  This is new.  It is a first.  Normally I do the birthday cake baking...but not this time!  It was deeeelicious!

When I arrived at work on Thursday I received greeting after greeting from friends and students and parents.  How did they all know it was my birthday?  Well, my dear friend Carol (retired last year) went to school and hung a Happy Birthday banner, sprinkled very large Happy Birthday confetti all over my "porch", wrapped up the railing with some sparkly wire, and left her crown tied to my door knob.  With the crown was a note saying, " you may BORROW this for one day." 

Then the 6th graders sang Happy Birthday to me.  Then the 2nd graders.  Then the 4th graders...you see a pattern here, don't you?!  They are so good to me.

A friend bought a Porto's cake with magic sauce (official ingredient title) for me.  We had Chipotle for lunch (although they forgot 4 orders of chips...ack!).  And I got to meet with my therapist to report on how my parenting is improving (I got 2 gold stars--out of one--!!).  Then Todd and I went to the temple.  We had a fantastic chapel session where I learned a great deal.  And I also had many insights into the material presented in the ceremony.  It was such a lovely night.  (no, I wasn't thrilled about going to the temple at first)

I have to tell you a story about one of the 4th graders...but I'll have to come back to that tomorrow.

Let me also say that I decided to post a PayPal widget to help me raise funds to get an iPad (I thought I would be getting one yesterday...)  But, I DID get a GPS for my car!  Todd  is very good to me.  And we had a great dinner at Houston's to round out the day.

I must also tell you about the cards Clarke & Jason gave me.  More tomorrow.

Daughter

I am not an expert on daughters. But I can't remember the last time "not being an expert" kept me from sharing my opinion!

Yesterday Clarke says to me, "I don't want to have daughters, I want to have sons." I did not tell her that was once my wish too. I told her that having a daughter is awesome. And she said, "girls are too hard, boys are easy."

Oh yes, my dear daughter! From your lips to God's ears...

I said, "Boys are easier, but girls are better because girls are yours forever. You will carry them in your heart."

And the truth is that I carry all of my children in my heart, but there is something special? unique? different? ineffable (for sure) about being a girl and being a mom to a girl. For example: ee cummings. He wrote this poem (he wasn't big on titles, spaces, nor capital letters):

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-ee cummings

This is how I feel about my daughter. (And yes, I know this was not written to, for or about a daughter.)

Sometimes, in my mom's heart, all I want to do is sit on the couch and pull my babies on to my lap and hold them. And they are all much taller than I am, and there legs would splay, and it would be uncomfortable, and I wouldn't be able to hold them for long because my legs would fall asleep. But I follow that daydream/heart dream all the way to the end. And I am holding them on my lap and snuggling in their hair and stroking their cheeps and loving them with my whole soul.

I am holding you, Jason.

I am holding you, Clarke.

I am holding you, Brandon.

I am holding you now.